I miss him

I can't believe how hard this is turning out to be. I know that the first couple weeks are difficult until the routine starts but being a single mom is hard.

I look at baby girl and she looks just like my husband so then I start thinking about him and then come the tears. Thankfully my hormone level has subsided so I can usually hold my tears back instead of randomly crying uncontrollably.

I know eventually it will get easier but right now all I can think about is not having him to help me raise our daughter for this first year of her life. It hurts.

We need you.

Well that was painful.

This morning I woke up at 2:45 to head to base to send my husband off to Afghanistan. He didn't leave until 6 and I'm proud to say I held my tears in until around 5:30. The boys went outside for a momentous cigar and while we were standing there I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Thankfully my husband being who he is quickly cracked a joke so I could go from crying to laughing.

As soon as he got on the bus he started in with his humor getting all the guys laughing. It didn't stop until they left the parking lot. I wish I could cope with sadness like him. Instead I just ball my eyes out and listen to sad country music the entire way home.

Sure, I could have changed the channel but there is something that just feels right about music fitting the mood...even if that mood is depressing.

I'm thankful that my last view of him before he left he was laughing so hard I'm pretty sure he was crying.

Overall though it was easier than I expected. I think mainly because he made it that way. Whether he realizes it or not he always makes things easier for me.

I can't wait to be home in NY with the rest of my family. I'm so glad my mom could be down here with me but I need to be as far away from this place as possible in order to have the time go fast.

Cheers to this year. "This is gunna make us stronger, it's gunna make love last longer."

I Love You Papa Bear<3
Your girls miss you.

Update

Update. These hormones are killing me. All I have to do is think about my husband leaving in a couple days and I ball my eyes out for a straight hour. It doesn't help that His things are packed right next to the bed so I'm constantly reminded of it. I have been dealing with this all so well until baby girl was born. I can't help but wonder if these hormones are making me a wreck or it I've finally just lost control and let it all spill out.

I'm completely terrified. How is someone, anyone, supposed to go an entire year without their husband? Especially with a new baby. I'm thankful that I made the decision to move home so I can be around our families and have support but I still can't help feeling completely alone right now.

He was asked yesterday if he wanted to only go for 6 months. For a second my heart literally stopped beating until he told me he said no. At first I wanted to smack him but then he explained that if he only went 6 months there would be a really good chance he would be sent again next year. That means we'd have to go through all the training and late nights and pre deployment hoo ha again plus another 6 month absence. So I guess I'm glad he said no but I'm still not looking forward to this year.

It seriously makes me sick to think about sending him away for a year. I'm thankful that he didn't miss Abigail's birth and he has had at least a week with her but it makes me so sad to think about him being gone for a year of our lives.

I think this is the weakest I have ever let any of you know I am. But that's where I stand.

Terrified, slightly depressed, and really needing my husband to stay home instead.

And yes, I'm still crying.  

What the hell!

So why can't pregnant women or moms get a break? I just went through 9 months of hell and now I have to endure the pain that comes along with breastfeeding. Are you seriously kidding me with this?

It feels like my nipples are being sawed off when she eats. I don't think her latch is wrong but maybe. Then this whole engorgement business. My boobs are not only ginormous but they are incredibly painful. My left boob is so engorged that my daughter can't feed. My areola is hard and pulled my nipple inward slightly making it difficult for her to latch on.

It's pure hell. I started pumping a little out of my left boob to get the swelling down and make my nipple protrude enough for her to latch. That seems to work, sometimes. Today my nipples hurt so bad that I literally sat there and balled my eyes out while she ate. I ended up pumping my left boob into a bottle and fed her that way because not only would she not latch on that side but it was sooo painful.

Now since pumping is still breast milk it seems like it would be the ideal situation. No. Pumping still hurts my nipples. It's extremely time consuming, you have to warm the bottles before feedings, and it's nowhere near as convenient as just giving her a boob.

I don't know what to do. Everyone says the pain passes but it's not like it's even a bearable discomfort. It's straight up worse than being sliced open for a c section.

I don't want to switch to formula but I don't think I can handle this much longer.

Help :-(

Introducing my beautiful daughter

I am finally home from the hospital as of 10:30 am this morning. The surgery went flawlessly and my recovery has already proven to be speedy and not as painful as I expected (knock on wood). I went into the operating room at 7:54 am and Abigail was born at 8:17 am on March 2, 2011. She weighed in at 6 lbs 14 oz and was 19 3/4 inches long. She had a little respiratory problem right away but it straightened itself out before she even left the OR.

I was up walking around that evening which helped a lot with my recovery time and pain. I moved myself from the recovery room bed to the bed I would be staying in. Everyone said they couldn't believe how much I could do on my own already. My husband just said I was hard headed. I'll take either haha.

But enough about me. Here are some pictures of miss Abigail Yvonne Sykes.

Signature

Thanks to Jenn over at My Life So Far I have a new signature!! Thankfully there are people out there who actually aren't completely incompetent in how to make pretty designs on the computer. haha.

Thanks Jenn!

TOMORROW!!!

Tomorrow morning at 6:30 AM I will be arriving at the hospital for my c section! :-) If all goes smoothly the doctor said we should have our baby girl by 7:30! A quick slice, grab and sew and it's all done!

Sure the recovery is going to be a million times worse than a natural birth but at least I wont have to wait too long to meet our little girl!!

I can't wait to share pictures with you all so stay posted because I'm sure they will be on here either later tomorrow night or Thursday.

I'm going to be a mommy tomorrow!!! :-) YAY!

Oh. In the mean time... does anyone want to make me a cute signature? I have no idea how to do those and I would love one :-) It just has to say Mrs. Sykes and be as creative as you want to be :-)

I will love you forever :-)

Talk to you soon!