Irritated

I just deactivated my Facebook account and I'm going through what I assume is withdrawl. I open my computer and my mouse scrolls to where the facebook short cut used to be. I realize it's gone and I can't log on and I get annoyed.
I hate that I've let myself become so dependent on facebook. Some pointless internet site that allows way too many people into my life and does more harm than good.
I'm determined to get over this. I don't care about it. I don't have to read people's whining and complaining. Life will be better and I will only be on the computer when it's necessary for school or work.

Ok.

Now onto my next addiction, lejeuneyardsales.com...

Oh, you'll be a tricky one.

Woman like you

It's been quite a while since I cried in the car while listening to a country song. I started to think I was getting pretty tough. And then I heard Lee Brice sing Woman Like You. And I felt my eyes swelling up with tears. Out of all of the sappy country songs out that could have made me cry why this one? I mean seriously, have you heard Martina McBride with Love You Through It? Or Faith Hill's new one Come Home? Those are songs that should make me cry. Not Lee Brice.

Then I realized what it was. This song made me feel like Jon was home. Like it was him singing to me. It made me laugh which inevitable made me cry. It's a great song. It's a perfect song to show the overpowering humorous side to my husband while still seeing his romantic side. It even sounds like my husband singing. Have I mentioned how great my husband is at singing? That's all he ever has to do to make me smile.

So anyways, here it is. Sorry if you have the emotional strength of a new born baby like I do and this makes you cry. My bad.

Time

Have you ever wondered why time slows down when we are looking forward to something but speeds up when we wish it would freeze? I can't figure it out. Maybe if I convince myself that I didn't want my husband to come home time would speed up like it did when he left.
I don't understand why having a good time makes life seem shorter whereas being miserable makes it longer. Isn't life supposed to be a blessing? A gift? Something to enjoy. And yet the more you enjoy it the quicker it slips through your fingers.
I'm usually pretty good at understanding that there is a reason for everything but my brain is stumped on this one.
I had this theory once. When time seemed to be crawling it meant that someone desperately needed more time. Whatever the reason, to spend with a loved one maybe, they wished that time would slow down. It must have been very important because not only did their time slow down but everyone else's as well. Same for time speeding up. It helped me take a breath and relax instead of complaining about it. If my time had to slow down so that someone else could enjoy an important moment longer than I was honored to do so.
It's way better than just thinking time slows down when we anticipate something right? Plus it makes you wonder if our time speeding up is father time's way of catching us up? Yea, I bet your brain is working now huh?
haha

Anyways, my point is that time never fails to stop when I desperately want it to run.

Ok I'll say it I'm scared.

More like terrified. I just wrote about the possibility of my husband reenlisting, like yesterday, and well it only took a day to realize how ridiculous that was. So we are back to our original plan of getting out, him going to school to finish his degree while I put mine to good use.
And I'm really nervous. I haven't fully admitted that yet. I've tip toed around it but it's finally hit me like the time I was playing lazer tag and ran into a big metal pole while trying to avoid being shot. Could have just said a ton of bricks but I thought this was a little more descriptive.
Anyways, what the heck am I going to do? Sure, we will have the BAH as long as he is in college which will help out a ton but it's not everything. I need to be produce the majority of our family's income. With my first real job out of college.
I can't watch movies where the main character gets themselves in uncomfortable situations where you know they are going to fail. That's kind of how I feel about this. If I was staring in a movie and yet watching it at the same time I would be changing the channel right now.
I don't even know what I want to do with my degree. Which is a BA in Business Administration fyi incase anyone out there in the Charlotte, NC area is reading this and thinks I'm brilliant and necessary to the success of their business ;-). Worth a shot.
I was having a mini panic attack a little bit ago and remembered something that someone in some class at some point in my life told me to do when I get in a situation like this. A SWOT analysis on yourself. Listing your Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. I skip the WOT and just focus on my strengths. Also, add in what you love to do. I suppose those could be listed as opportunities but since I don't see myself becoming a professional volleyball player I'd rather not get my hopes up. Here it goes.

What I think I do best:

Write/edit
Organize
Make lists/budgets
Multi-task
Skim read
Research
Counsel
Problem solve

What I love to do:

Write/edit
Make lists/budgets
Problem solve
Shop
Play volleyball

Ok, so first of all that seriously felt great. I think that's the first time I've focused on my positives in a long time. Right off the bat you can see similarities in what I do well and what I love to do. I should probably explain my skim reading bullet. I hate reading anything other than books for pleasure fully. If someone sends me an informative email say on how to do something. I will immediately focus on the necessary points and discard the rest. Which may sound bad to some but I have found it's a huge asset. I don't have to waste my time sorting mumbo jumbo I can just chose the points I need and move on. If I were a CEO of a company I would want all of my emails short with bullet points. Another example is chapter reading for assignments. I rarely read a full chapter. I flip through the pages for the pertinent information and save the rest for possible reference later on. I think it's a skill but I understand some look at it as lazy. But it's not, I jut refuse to waste my time.

Anyways, what jumps out to me as potential careers from this list is something in the fields of human resources, finance, or something along the lines of communications or journalism. It's helped lead me in a direction and assure me I do have some sort of usable skill that I can focus on. But I'm still nervous.

My husband has so much faith in me and I just can't understand why I don't have faith in myself. I think it's the indefinite possibilities. Sometimes it's better to have fewer options than having to create one.

I know I'll figure it all out in time. Everything in my life always seems to come together after I stress and lose sleep over it. Kind of ironic that I listed one of my strengths as problem solving huh? Mostly other peoples. I like to be presented with a problem and find the best way to solve it. Anything from my friends boy troubles (I say boy because real men are a rare breed and wouldn't give any problems) to planning a move with a strict budget.

This post is ridiculously long but it felt good to just vent. Now back to working on my future. Fingers crossed.

Have I mentioned I like to plan?

I'm not sure I've mentioned it enough but I'm a planner. I like things laid out and scheduled ahead of time. Everything has a time and place.
That's why things like the military life and moving cause extreme anxiety. I hate the unknown. You can't plan for it which means you can't prepare for it.
This move has about maxed me out. I move next weekend and I couldn't wait that long to purchase new furniture. I've stalked Lejeune Yard Sales for weeks. I have found my living room set and bedroom set and thankfully the sellers are gracious enough to hold them until I get down there.
I have had our cable set for installation for a week now. I just set up water and electricity to be turned on before I get there. My last thing is internet which is proving to be a little challenging.
I have to hold myself back from ordering a mattress online. I mean who does that really? I keep telling myself it's absolutely necessary to lay on a mattress before purchasing one. But it's hard to deny the incredible post Christmas sales.
I still need to get a coffee table/accent tables, dining room table, mattress, and washer/ dryer set. I'm trying my best to hold off so I can have something to shop for while I'm down there. I get a huge thrill when I shop. Mainly for pieces like these because I go to thrift stores and search for gems. I hate paying full retail for furniture. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Anyways, the only thing I will be buying new is our mattress. I'm hoping to score an awesome deal on a washer/dryer set from LYS but so far it's not looking good. I might have to break down and purchase those new as well. But mark my words every piece of clothing I have will be worn before I give up the hunt!

On the other end of things, I mentioned how you can't plan with the military life. Which is completely true. We are discussing when we want to try for our second child and both agreed we wanted to immediately until we realized the horrid timing we would find ourselves in. Since he would be getting out next March we would only have a couple months to try and then we would have to put it on hold until after we moved. Which would turn in to several years since I would want to settle down into our new town and new career.
Well, this brought back the discussion of reenlistment. Not solely so we could continue baby making, but I expressed my hesitation about being the sole working person for the family. Once he gets out he planned on attending college again and since I will already have a bachelors I would be the one working.
So anyways, we are now discussing reenlistment. Part of me wishes I kept my mouth shut and never said anything because if he reenlists he is staying in until retirement and that means a lot more separation over the years. But the other part of me loves the military family and support. I know if I need support my girls have my back. I feel guilty for suggesting it though. I almost feel like I'm willing to let him risk his life so I don't have to be the sole provider. Incredibly selfish of me. But to be fair, if I was in his position I would want to stay in. Military retirement is an incredible benefit that they all deserve. It's a hard life but it's a rewarding one.

But it's nothing I can plan. All is out of my control. Which I'm semi alright with. If I don't have control of a situation I don't have to plan for it. It's when things are my responsibility that I get anxious and stressed.

Anyways, this was a long post just to say I love LYS for allowing me to get my furniture ahead of time.  I guess I needed a little vent session.

Two Years Ago

Two years ago I was in a limo on the way to church. Except this time it wasn't Sunday service. It was my wedding. The element of surprise was obsolete since my groom was sitting next to me. But that didn't take the magic out of it all.
He opened the door and fled into the church while the girls and I waited patiently for everyone to be seated. Only a couple moments passed before he returned sobbing. His grandfather had died just a short couple months before while he was at boot camp. His uncle had presented him with his grandfather's war medal. Not the best of timing but it allowed me to see his vulnerable side once more before we said I do. It was the perfect push I needed to step out of that door and pull the veil over my face.

In what seemed like a few seconds full of shaky legs and tears we were married. The rest of the night went by so fast that I honestly can barely remember most of it.

We were blessed in that we spent most of our first year of marriage together. Just a few short absences. The second year however was mostly separate. This deployment has been a huge hurdle. No I take that back. A hurdle is something you have to jump over. This is more of a winding river. No matter what we were headed in the same direction but whether we chose to paddle meant all the difference in how we would end up.

Being away from your partner in crime is pretty difficult. Especially with a new baby to care for. Although I will admit that this was no where near as hard as I had anticipated. For the most part you just do what you need to do. Instead of waking up every morning just to suffer through a day without him I chose to wake up every morning realizing we were one day closer to being together.

"Faith in God includes faith in His timing." Neal A. Maxwell

Everything happens for a reason. And everything happens when it is supposed to happen. God only gives us what we can handle. There is never a question about finding the strength to overcome because He has given it to you.
Not once did I lay awake at night wondering why I had to endure this deployment. For I knew exactly why. It was part of His plan for me, for us. It was his way of proving our love for one another. It got difficult at times but never unbearable. I never thought about leaving. I only thought about how much stronger we were becoming.

So I can sit here and complain about how I spent an entire year of marriage away from my husband. Or I can sit here and tell you how blessed I am that God believes in our love enough to give us the ultimate challenge. I know that He was reassuring us that we are supposed to be together. That this was his remarkable way of reinforcing our love.

Two years ago today my love and I promised ourselves to one another and to God. Today I don't get to spend with my husband, but God has reassured me that is not important. What's important is that we have a very powerful love with an unbreakable bond. No matter the distance we are still one.

Happy Anniversary Papa Bear<3 You mean the world to me and so much more. I'm so thankful to have you in my life forever and always.

2012

Don't you hate when you have an awesome thought after you are laying in bed trying to sleep but instead of writing it down you trust that you'll remember it in the morning, and then of course you don't?
I do. Or well I did. Last night. I wrote out the most incredible New Years blog in my head last night and now I can't even remember a single word.

What I can tell you is that my new year has started off great. My husband got promoted to CPL and our 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. More good things to come!

Maybe I'll remember that poetic genius one of these times.