I don't know.

I have no idea where this post is going to go I just feel like I need to write.

Today is April 1. That means that tomorrow Abigail turns one month old and we are very close to checking one month off this deployment already. There isn't really anything bad I can say about that. This month has flown by and I really hope that is how every month will go.

Do you ever feel like tiny little people live in the radio and play the music? Well if so then mine are cruel. There are some days when all you want to do is cry your eyes out but certainly not when you are driving down the road.

Today my little radio people decided to play If You're Reading This by Tim McGraw. Jerks. If you haven't heard this song then you can go look it up. I'd bring it here for you but I really don't even want to think about it again. It hits way too close to home and easily made me cry.

I guess that's all part of this though. Unfortunately I happen to be a country music buff so I have to put up with hearing songs that remind me of how sad I am right now constantly. I think it's actually a country music law to pull the heart strings of the listeners. I can't really complain though. Music is supposed to move you and country music excels at it.

I've always been a sucker for a guy who can sing. It's a curse and a blessing that my husband has an incredible voice. I love listening to him sing in the car but now that he isn't here all I can think about when I'm driving is how I wish he was next to me singing along to the radio.

This deployment is hard. There's a constant sting to my heart. I carry myself well and rarely break down and cry but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. One thing that really sucks is when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't understand why people can't think before they speak. If there is one question that no one wants to be asked when they are hurting it's if they are ok or not. Well I was until you asked that and now I'm doing horrible as you can see from the tears pouring down my face.

That's what happened today with that song. I was doing perfectly fine with it until my mom asked me if I wanted her to change it. I was telling myself that if I can get through this song without a break down that I really am a strong woman. As soon as she asked that I let myself feel the lyrics and my heart shattered.

Don't get me wrong, I really am doing fine. I'm confident that this deployment wont break me and I know that it will eventually end. But I am a female and unfortunately that means my emotions have a mind of their own.

Lately Aber dabers (my nick name for Abigail) has been really fussy. It seems like she wants to be held by everyone but me. That really sucks. She has no problem crying in my arms but as soon as she switches to someone elses hands she stops and is completely content.

It's the same at night time. Anyone else can put her to sleep but if I lay her down in her crib she wakes up and starts crying. I try really hard not to let myself get frustrated but when I'm up with her for a couple hours at night trying to get her to go to sleep it's a real struggle. Luckily last night she went to sleep at midnight and slept all night until 6:30. So even though it was a struggle to get her to sleep it paid off with a long slumber.

Shes definitely transitioning into her more awake and alert phase. Its great watching her change but it makes me sad that I cant share this with her daddy.

I miss him. A lot.

I think this is long enough. I'll write again soon.

100 Facts

A lot of bloggers are doing this 100 facts about themselves thing so I figured I would join in.

I will do this in 4 different posts but don't get upset if I don't follow up after this first one. 100 facts is an awful lot after all!

1. My name is Breanna. I don't know if anyone knows my actual name so I'll throw that one out there first. 
2. All my family members' names start with a B. Brenda, Bill and Billy. (Mom, dad and brother).
3. I'm a mom and I absolutely love it. 
4. We named our daughter after my grandmother. 
5. I love sports. 
6. I played volleyball in high school and college and I miss it terribly. 
7. I danced for 12 years and I really hope Abigail wants to dance as well. 
8. I'm trying my hardest to be strong during this deployment. 
9. My weakness is my husband's smile. Whenever he smiles my heart melts. 
10. I love my dog like a child. 
11. I hated being pregnant. If we could skip the 9 months and just get our beautiful baby I would be so much happier. 
12. I love country music. No, I Love LOVE LOVE country music. 
13. My husband shaved his head and grew a stache on this deployment and I actually like it.
14. I watch American Idol but I don't vote. 
15. I still yell at America for getting it wrong.
16. I have a screaming baby in my arms and I'm still smiling.
17. I get really tired while driving more than 30 minutes. 
18. I love Disney movies, mostly the princess movies. 
19. Princess Diaries and it's sequel are two of my favorite movies ever. 
20. I probably put way too much pressure on myself to look perfect. Knowing my husband thinks I'm beautiful is really important to me. 
21. I've tried really hard to become a completely different person than I used to be. It's important to me to be the best form of myself possible. 
22. I would love to be a house wife. 
23. I mumble when I talk and didn't realize it until recently. 
24. I have an amazing husband and am very thankful that he is mine. 
25. I am an animal lover. If I could adopt all of the stray or abused animals in the world I would. 

Deployment Bull Donkey

Before you go through a deployment you imagine how hard it will be to be away from your husband or significant other. I never thought of the other things that prove to be challenging.

First of all I cannot stand that I need a stupid Power of Attorney to do EVERYTHING. I can't get out daughter enrolled in Tricare without it. That makes me feel like I'm not even her parent. Want to hear something even more lame? My husband got locked out of OUR JOINT bank account online because he got his log in info wrong too many times and I can't even call USAA and get him unlocked. Want to know why? Because we have separate online log in info and since I'm not him I can't have them fix this without the stupid POA. No joke. Probably the dumbest thing I have ever heard of.

Like seriously, what difference does it make? I can tell them his log in username and password so if it was unlocked I would be able to access it anyways. He is deployed and can't do this himself and since this account is OUR JOINT account I should be able to do this. STUPID!!!

BUT since it's necessary I faxed them the POA. Guess what? It takes 2-3 WEEKS to get processed in order for me to be able to do anything.

Now you might be thinking how this isn't a problem since I still have my log in info. Well I thought so too, until I remembered I can't access his USAA credit card info with my log in I need his. And by the time this stupid thing gets processed his monthly payment on the credit card will be past due.

I HATE USAA!!!! HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU!!!!

And I NEVER say hate. That is how serious I am right now.

So frustrated.

So anyways, point of this post is that sure, missing your husband makes deployment extremely tough but that's not all. There are so many things that make spouses feel inferior and a ton of things that we aren't even allowed to do without written permission from our husbands. LAME.

Small town, small people.

First of all let me make it very clear that I love my family and being around them, especially during this deployment and with baby girl. With that said here comes the rest of this post.

I HATE IT HERE!

I live in a super small town where you can leave for years at a time and once you come home everything and everyone is exactly the same. I don't know how I forgot this fact, or maybe I just convinced myself that people would actually grow up and better themselves. Well they didn't.

I have only seen 3 of my friends from before I moved since I've been here. I swear it was like stepping back in time. They are still in the same stages of life that they were when I left. That's not a problem though. People progress at different stages I suppose.

The problem is all of the small town drama around here. It's like I come home and instead of going to college I went to middle school or high school.

I mean seriously, I should not be this nervous to go out in public and run into someone I graduated with or anyone for that matter. People know me even if I don't know them. Heaven forbid I go out to the post office quick in my sweat pants and a pony tail and someone sees me. Then within an hour everyone thinks I'm depressed and helpless because my husband is deployed. Give me a friggin break. I have a baby who doesn't let me sleep at night let alone give me the time to look pretty to go to the darn post office.

The one thing I was really looking forward to having while I was home was a complete disconnect from anything military. I don't like seeing the big billboards down by base that say welcome home or all of the signs either. It's a depressing thing when you know you still have a good year before your husband is coming home.

Unfortunately I can come all the way back to this tiny little town in NY and still run into not just military insignia, but actual marines and marine reminders. I don't mind running into marines. It's kind of sweet since the one I did see was clearly straight out of boot camp. It kind of made me giggle because he looked so excited and proud with his eagle globe and anchor sweat shirt. I just don't want to be in a sad mood and then see military couples together. Makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

I know, I'm a debby downer. I have permission, from myself.

Anyways, rolling back in to make my point, it sucks that I can't even come home to a town that has no idea what it's like to be in our position and still get crap for it. It's one thing when you are surrounded my marine wives, you are guaranteed to get judged on your progress throughout this deployment as well as advice whether you want it or not. But being home where people don't even know the difference between the army and the marine corps? Who would have thought.

I have seriously been told that people think I just put on a happy face while I'm in public but that I really bawl my eyes out constantly while at home. Yes ignorant people of Fonda. I keep a smile on to please you and then I come home and immediately start crying and don't stop for, oh let's say 6 or 7 hours. I'm just so depressed, wah.

Give me a break. I get to talk to my husband at least once a day on the phone and lately it's been multiple times on the internet as well. He has a desk job he's not infantry. If you are going to tell people how I'm feeling and acting at least give me some damn credit and don't make me sound like I'm a wife of a WWII marine.

Ah. I feel better. I love this blog. It's like my fingers are magical stress relievers.

More pain please.

Sometimes I wonder if I just enjoy pain.

I called my dentist just to schedule my cleaning and ended up scheduling to get 2 of my wisdom teeth out.

I got them out today and it wasn't bad at all. It's been like 2 hours now and my numbness is gone and it's just achy. I'm hoping it just stays like this because it's really not too awful.

I've just been thinking about all the crap I've gone through lately. A c section, mastitis, and now getting all my wisdom teeth out. The next 2 will be in a couple weeks.

Anyways, baby girl is doing good. I'm still in a lot of pain from the mastitis but I'm doing ok. Missing my husband as usual but I'm very lucky with communication. We get to talk every day sometimes more than once a day. Very VERY thankful.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm sorry I don't post often or comment on anyones blogs. Obviously I've been ridiculously busy. Hopefully I can get back in my groove eventually.

Until the next time,

Mastitis

So I have mastitis. It sucks but I'm finally on an antibiotic so hopefully it gets kicked out of my system. For the time being I'm pretty miserable.

To top it all off I have to get 2 of my wisdom teeth ripped out tomorrow morning. Wah :-(

I'm still alive

Hey all. It's been a couple days but I haven't forgotten.

Baby girl and I are safe and sound back home in NY. I'm exhausted still from the trip home and all the unpacking and organizing I've been doing. Not to mention baby girl's long list of demands. She has been sleeping pretty good at night though. She eats every 3 hours but goes right back to sleep after so I'll take it. She really loves her crib.
I wouldn't be able to put her into her bassinet without her being completely zonked out but I can lay her in her crib wide awake and she will be passed out within minutes. It's like a miracle crib.

Will the hectic schedule I've been living the past week or so I have been pumping and using formula as well so that her feedings are quicker and other people can help out while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Unfortunately I think that may have back fired on me. My right boob has a couple really painful lumps in it and I think it's definitely because I haven't been pumping as much as I should. I usually do it once a day which I know is awful.

I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor soon because at this point I feel like just ripping my boob off. It's incredibly uncomfortable and really painful at times. Hopefully it isn't something really dangerous and can be easily fixed.

Tomorrow I have to go to Scotia to set up baby girl with deers and tricare. After that I should be able to make both of us doctors appointments.

Let's see, what else is there to catch you up on. Papa bear is doing good. I've heard from him almost every day which helps a lot. I'm really looking forward to our first skype date. Hopefully it will be soon.

Oh, I need some help with something. I am trying to figure out financial aid so I can start college again. I have looked into MyCAA but it looks as if they won't put money towards a bachelor's degree. Am I right? If not please help me figure it out.

And I would really appreciate any info on scholarships for spouses.

Here are some pics since I've left you in the dark for a while.