Procrastination

I always find myself waiting until the last minute to write papers for college. I'm so organized and on top of everything else in my life. If I have a trip I mentally pack weeks in advance. Oh...I just figured it out. Because I hate writing papers. Who is going to chose to do something they hate when they have time to do something else? Not me.

Thankfully I work really well under pressure. I actually did all of the required readings ahead of time and took the necessary notes so that writing the paper was simple. If I had to do all of the readings too I never would have finished let alone presented a reasonable excuse for a paper.

But anyways, I just wanted to once again vent on my hatred for academic papers.

EAS

Jon's regular EAS date isn't until March of 2013. But it has recently been brought to his attention that there is a 6 month early out program offered to marines who have a job or schooling lined up and would need to get out early in order to take those opportunities.

Six months early for Jon would be September. He has recently been considering becoming a police officer. There are openings in Charlotte which is where we planned to move next. If he can get accepted into the classes then he will getting out in September. Like holy cow. That's so soon.

Thankfully I will be done with my bachelor's the first week of June but looking into jobs possibilities has left me falling short without my master's. Thankfully there will be enough time between now and September for Jon to become a police officer and therefore get a job before we move. That takes the stress off of me to rush into a job that can support the family and allow me to take my time and grow within a company.

It's all coming so fast but it's exciting. I'm definitely a lot less stressed now. I'm hoping this can all happen.

I need to Vent

Warning: this is just a vent session. If you don't want to waste your time don't read any further.

I have started my last undergraduate class yesterday. It's nothing like the rest of them. All of my other online classes were 4 weeks at a time. This one is 12. That's a huge transition when I've been doing 4 week intervals for about a year now. The difference being it's 3 classes in one. All of my other classes were group discussions, reading assignments, and then either a weekly assessment or once for the whole class. There were hardly any papers and the only in depth written assignments were the discussions and a journal for each class which was the same 3 questions pertaining to each class.

This new class requires a 1,000 word paper each week as well as a ton of reading assignments and the discussion board. It doesn't look like there are any tests though which is a plus. The biggest negative of all though? I have to do 5 weeks of volunteer work and write yet another paper on it. I probably just sounded like a huge ass referring to volunteer work as a negative but let me explain.

This class has screwed up my plan for this year. I had a plan to get a job so that we can save all of the money I make to put towards our move and a new house. Now that I have a glimpse of what this class is going to demand of me work seems impossible. If I didn't have a daughter, totally doable. But she makes it impossible to get anything done as long as she is awake so that leaves me maybe 2 hours (non consecutive) during the day, after about 8 or 9pm, and some time on the weekends if Jon decides to babysit to get things accomplished. If I add a job into that schedule I am eliminating the 2 hours during the day, possibly weekend days all together depending on the job, and slimming down the amount of time I'll be able to stay awake at night to do things. So where would volunteer work fit in? I would have to give up the idea of working all together. Unless I found a job that didn't require weekends which would then allow me to spend 5 weekends volunteering instead of with my family or doing classwork or making money. You see my dilemma?

All I can think about right now is that I need more hours and less kid during the day. This is the reason why people finish their degrees before they get married and have children. Because life gets complicated after that. And the worst part? This is my bachelor's degree. Not even my masters. I feel like you can't do anything unless you have a master's these days. Jon is planning on EASing in February. He has a technical degree so he has to go back to school leaving me to be the sole income provider minus the housing allowance while he is in school. That means I have to get a pretty damn good job with benefits. So I will have to continue and get my master's too.

Want to hear the actual worst part? I don't even like what I'm getting my degree in. Which is business by the way. I know what I want to do and that's become a sonographer so I can do ultrasounds. I can't do that without an associates in it which I can't do online. I can once I get to Charlotte but Jon is going back to school first.

I seriously want to bash my head against a wall. I feel like I like in this ridiculous maze or something. No matter which route looks good it leads no where.

I'm stressed out, scared, and nervous. I've already cried but I still feel like I'm one more obstacle from my breaking point. I need a break.

It's been a year!

Today is Abigail's birthday!! She is a one year old! Where did the time go?
I'm going to admit that I didn't make a huge deal out of her birthday today. We had a party when Jon's family was down for his homecoming and she didn't care for it so I wasn't going out of my way to do it again. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even like cake anyways.
I did buy her a ton of new clothes yesterday though so presents were still there.
We just got back from vacation yesterday so honestly, mommy and daddy are exhausted. Actually I should probably catch you up on the past week.

We took a trip to Florida. We left last Thursday and got home last night. We went to the Florida zoo and aquarium with Abigail. She honestly didn't seem to care much for either. I think we hit them at nap time though so she had exhaustion against her. But she had enough energy to refuse to sit down in her stroller and insist on standing backwards in it.

I don't think I even have any pictures of the aquarium to show you. 

On Sunday Jon and his uncle headed to Daytona for the race. It got rained out but they were still there all day. Unfortunately his uncle had to work on Monday so I got to go with him. It was my first Nascar race ever. I've been to dirt track races but nothing this big. Of course we got there at 10 am, it got postponed until 7 pm and didn't get over with until about 1 am. So we were there for like 15 hours. But I will admit that I had a lot of fun even though it took so long. 

Here's proof.

Jon and me

My new Dale Jr swag. 

The next day we drove to Myrtle Beach to meet my mom who moved down there. We got there a day before her so we pretty much just went to sleep since we were exhausted. The next morning we moved my mom in and hung out for a bit. Yesterday we did some shopping and then headed home. It's never felt so good to be home I can tell you that. 

And now it's Abigail's first birthday. An entire year has gone by. Jon is home from this deployment and I should be able to relax right? Wrong. I still have this constant on edge, worried, stressed feeling like I did this whole year. I'm hoping once Jon gets the hang on being a dad and a semi normal human again that I will relax. 

But regardless it's been an entire year and I'm still trying to grasp that concept. Thanks for listening and all of the love and support. You helped me get through this and I'm forever grateful. 

To send you off here's a picture of the birthday girl <3

Muahaha, sort of

First of all, MUAHAHAHAHAHA the race was canceled!

Secondly, I may have agreed to go with him tomorrow since it got rescheduled to then.

Right about now you are probably shaking your head and calling me a hypocrite. Don't worry I don't blame you. Let me tell you the story of how we got here.

I was doing my pout and ignore routine for when I'm mad at him. He text me on his way to the race asking me when I was going to stop hating him. We talked it out for a bit. He explained that he feels overwhelmed being home because he feels like I am expecting him to immediately be a perfect full time dad. He has been a little confused and absent lately which explains it. He has lost his keys at least 5 times since he's been home. He NEVER loses things.

I should have realized that it was going to be a huge culture shock coming home to a baby and all of his family but I was too focused on not being a single mom anymore and jumping into being a family that I didn't focus enough on him. In my defense though, he never once led on that he was struggling until he explained everything today.

He played the 4 hours of video games because he didn't have to think he could just unwind and de-stress. Which I can't blame him for that. I do feel bad.

So now we are here with me going to the race tomorrow. It's my peace offering and outreach. If he needs time to not think and just relax then I want to be there with him. He loves nascar. He used to work in Nascar so it really is a part of who he is and I need to accept that. And hey, if I learn to like it then that's just more time we get to spend together instead of me running into another room.

And a plus side? No baby for the day. It's just going to be the two of us which we haven't had in a year. So I can't help but be excited.

Reintegration is a struggle after all. I didn't think we would have to worry about it but I need to be patient.

Frustration

I don't know what is wrong with me. I am extremely pissed off at my husband right now. Let me explain.
We are in Florida right now. The trip started out to see his father and introduce him to Abigail. Then it turned into Nascar over load which is partially my fault. His uncle offered him a ticket to Daytona Sunday. I said he should definitely go since it's a great opportunity and a good way to welcome him home. When I said that I thought it was going to be like a 4 hour trip total. Turns out Daytona is 4 hours from Tampa where we are visiting. So it's 4 hours there, probably 4 hours or so for the race, and then 4 hours back. So that is an entire day away from each other.

I think I'm so pissed because I just got him back and now I have to let him go for a whole day. Which in retrospect is nothing but it feels like eternity right now. To top that off he spent 4 hours last night playing some stupid nascar racing game with his uncle instead of spending time with Abigail.

Then today we had the house to ourselves and Abigail was napping and instead of spending some time with me he turned on a nascar race. I mean seriously, how many friggin races are there in one weekend? It's ridiculous and I hate Nascar so much.

I thought this trip was going to be a nice vacation for us but I haven't stopped being pissed and miserable the entire time. We went to the zoo today but I couldn't enjoy myself because I was still pissed about the 4 hour video game playing last night. I hate that I am letting myself be so pissed but I am.

Tomorrow is going to be horrible. I want to enjoy myself but just the thought of him being gone all day at some stupid race while I play single mommy again infuriates me.

I hope I can chill out but it seems highly unlikely at this point.

Work

I really need to find a job. I've applied to a couple things but no response. I would love to get a job on base so that commuting would be easy with Abigail going to daycare on base. I applied to a job on base but I got a letter back saying I didn't get it because I didn't supply all of the necessary information. I don't know what else they wanted. Applying to on base jobs gives me ulcers. It's all so confusing. No other jobs ask me for KSA's. They obviously know they are confusing because they offer a class on understanding the KSA's better.
I applied to another tonight and as I'm typing this I realized I didn't send my letter of reference. Darn it!

I'm so frustrated with all of this. I have my bachelor's degree (well I will in like 3 months) and I can't get an entry level no degree mandatory job. I mean come on. I just want to get out of my house, make some money, and prove my worth!! Is that so much to ask for?

It's making me really nervous for next year/end of this year possibly, when I have to get a big girl career in Charlotte and be the sole money maker for my family. Like, really nervous. Sweat'n bullets sorta.

I need prayers.