I don't have his support when it comes to working. Well I mean I have his support. He wants me to work. What I mean is that he's not here to push me when I have a hard time. I had a horrible night at work on Saturday. I didn't even pull into the parking lot yet and I felt like I was on the verge of tears. After I got out I just wanted to collapse and cry for hours.
When I come home from work and Abigail is sleeping it only makes things worse. My family constantly reminds me of how much I'm going to be missing by working and how I will regret it. So coming home to her already asleep hurts.
Now that she is standing up on her own and really trying to walk only reminds me that very soon she will be walking. I know that if she takes her first steps while I'm at work I will never forgive myself.
I feel like I need to be around her since her daddy can't be. It's not fair to have both parents away.
It's a horrible feeling.
I'm struggling with the decision to stay with the job or quit to spend time with Abigail. And it only sucks more to know that I can't turn to my husband and immediately get his opinion and help.
I know I won't ever get these moments back but I really like the little bit of extra money and contribution. But it's not like I make a 6 figure income or anything and we can live just fine without me working.
BUT, I always quit. I am a quitter. Once things get tough or aggravating I always give up when I have the choice. And I'm sick of it. I don't want to be a quitter. I know I can battle through these last 2 1/2 months of work before I have to quit so I can move.
Fighting within myself really sucks. Seriously.
5 comments:
Can you compromise and only work a couple shifts a week? Well, I hope things get easier for you.
You have to stop beating yourself up. I went back to work after both my kids were born. I don't feel that I missed anything. When I saw them take their first step was when they did it. No other steps mattered. I don't even know that they did any of that before I saw. I didn't let anyone tell me. Working does not make you a bad mother or any less of a mother. Ignore your family, they are obviously not supporting you on this, and realize that by working you are doing whats best for you and your family.
I agree with Kara. Even if you miss the actual first steps, the only steps that matter are the one that you will see. Don't beat yourself up. Call me if you wanna chat. I miss you!
You need to do what is right for you. Don't let other people's opinions hit you where it hurts. What is important to you is all that matters. I am sure it feels like forever at the moment, but this too shall pass. You have shown so much strength throughout this entire deployment and you will continue to do so in this last leg! If you need someone to vent to feel free to shoot me an email.
I bet she knows that you love her more than anything. You are there for her. You have to do what is best your family. It is ok to be a working mom. Big hugs!
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