Happy Halloween/Birthday

Halloween isn't just well Halloween. It's also my husband's birthday :-)
This year he not only turns 24 but of course he is spending it in Afghanistan. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said nothing. And then he said pictures. I sent him them a week or so ago and he has finally received them. So, that means I can share them with you :-)
So here they are.

Happy Birthday Pumpkin<3 A little early of course<3

Four Years Ago Today...

Four years ago today was our first kiss.
I can still close my eyes and it feels like I'm right in that moment.
I drove up to your house in the pouring rain nervous and excited.
When my lights hit your front door and I saw you standing there my heart dropped.
We hadn't seen each other in 3 years but you still had this hold over me.
I barely made it out of my car before you were right in front of me with your arms around me lifting me so my feet couldn't touch the ground.
I remember not being able to stand once you set me back down because my legs had gone weak. I'm pretty sure you knew that too because you didn't let go. Very smooth<3
I had no idea what our future would hold at that moment in time. All I knew was that you were my other half.

Four years later and I can still feel that electricity and passion from that first kiss. It's my go to memory when I'm feeling down because just thinking about it fills me with so much love.
I was right. You are my other half. I know it now more than ever. Thank you for being the most amazing, boyfriend, fiance and husband that anyone could have ever asked for. You are an amazing person and I'm so glad that you are such a damn good kisser<3 ;-)

Struggling

Lately I have been really struggling. This deployment is wearing me down. I miss my husband a lot. I don't have that support system and stress release. No, not just sex. But yea that too. But more just the fact that when I come home to him every stress goes away. When I walk through the door and he's not here it's like more weight get's added on. I get pushed further down.
I don't have his support when it comes to working. Well I mean I have his support. He wants me to work. What I mean is that he's not here to push me when I have a hard time. I had a horrible night at work on Saturday. I didn't even pull into the parking lot yet and I felt like I was on the verge of tears. After I got out I just wanted to collapse and cry for hours.
When I come home from work and Abigail is sleeping it only makes things worse. My family constantly reminds me of how much I'm going to be missing by working and how I will regret it. So coming home to her already asleep hurts.
Now that she is standing up on her own and really trying to walk only reminds me that very soon she will be walking. I know that if she takes her first steps while I'm at work I will never forgive myself.
I feel like I need to be around her since her daddy can't be. It's not fair to have both parents away.
It's a horrible feeling.
I'm struggling with the decision to stay with the job or quit to spend time with Abigail. And it only sucks more to know that I can't turn to my husband and immediately get his opinion and help.
I know I won't ever get these moments back but I really like the little bit of extra money and contribution. But it's not like I make a 6 figure income or anything and we can live just fine without me working.
BUT, I always quit. I am a quitter. Once things get tough or aggravating I always give up when I have the choice. And I'm sick of it. I don't want to be a quitter. I know I can battle through these last 2 1/2 months of work before I have to quit so I can move.
Fighting within myself really sucks. Seriously.

Just checking in

Just checking in to say that since my post on Friday about wanting to tone up and lose weight that I haven't worked out once. Other than carrying heavy trays and running back and forth while I work. BUT what I have done is stopped eating just because I'm bored and have really paid attention to what I'm putting into my body. I already feel healthier after only a couple days. No bloating which is awesome.
Now, my next step is to get out there and run. I'm hoping for a nice day so I can take Abigail in the stroller and jog a bit to get started.
I'm excited! I hope I can convince myself to stick with it :-)

Just got to pull it out of somewhere

This entire deployment I have told myself that I would take this time to get in shape or at least start a workout routine. Major fail. Although I have lost my baby weight and I am by no means fat I still am no where near toned. It's a tough place to be when you find yourself comfortable with how you look. I would love to look better but since I don't look horrible I'm ok with where I'm at which keeps me from eating right and working out.
Lately I have been really into running. Although I haven't actually ran, I really want to start. I want to be a runner. I want to be that person who wakes up early every morning to go for a run. I would love to start my day off like that.
I think I've found the motivation I need. I have my ball gown for next years ball. Yea, I know, a bit in advance. BUT in my defense it was a friend's dress and she was selling it for only $20 and it's absolutely perfect. As a matter of fact I'll show you just how perfect.

Ok, bad pictures. I know. But it seriously is the most beautiful dress I've ever seen. Well, minus the millions of wedding gowns I could never afford but you get what I'm saying. Anyways, I "fit" in this dress already. But since it's a silk gown you can see every little misfeature. So I really want to tone my hiney, arms, and overall lose about 10 lbs. I have over a year to do it. That is plenty of time as long as I really get the ball moving. No pun intended but I'll take it. 

So here's to my new goal. I will work out every day. It might only be a quick ab workout while playing with Abigail but it'll be something. Hopefully running every day. 

Oh, and what do you think about my dress? Awesome right? 

Oh just siting here with my tunes

I'm sitting here listening to this song crying. I don't really know why. It just feels right. It's just an uplifting song of hope. And I needed a good cry. So enjoy.

Link up here

Worn Down

The past couple days I have been really worn out. I work a lot and when I'm not working I'm usually running non stop doing errands or just anything. I was hoping that working would take my mind off this deployment but it's having the reverse effect.
Time seems to be going slower than before. I think part of the reason is only having 2 1/2 ish months left before I head back to NC. It's that time where the excitement takes over and slows everything down.
I really miss my husband. I'm so thankful to have him in my life. Whenever I'm having a rough night at work or even a rough second I remember him telling me that I can do anything and that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to. I've never been able to push myself past the point of wanting to quit before. I usually just quit because that's what I want at that moment. But having him in my head has made me such a stronger and better person.
I love being able to contribute to our family I just really hate missing time with our daughter. It hasn't really bothered me until tonight. She has been sick for a couple days and I really hated leaving her tonight. On top of that she said her first word which I missed. It was Mama by the way.
I just have to remind myself that we need the extra money and in the long run leaving her is for the best.
I have already gotten through 7 months of this deployment. The majority of it is done. I just have to keep pushing on.
I will be extremely happy when this is all over. I just wish I had the power to speed up time.